Monday, March 06, 2006

Miffed


An Open Letter to Unelected, Moustached Pseudo-Moderate President Musharraf of Pakistan (A nuclear capable, proliferating, terror sponsoring state under official Sharia Law... Does anyone even remember?)
Dear Mr Musharraf,
May I call you Pervez ? No ? That's OK. You have a whole lot more medals than me, and I have never actually grown any kind of moustache, let alone one as prodigious as yours. May I call you "Mush" ? No ? WHY NOT ?
Congratulations
Before we get down to business please allow me to congratulate you on your many successes. It takes real genius to overthrow a democratically elected government in a military coup and still be the darling of the White House and State Department, lauded as a key partner in the Great War on Terror, especially given the track record of your country in this little enterprise.
Now as it happens I am not such a big fan of democracy, at least not in your country, given the kind of elected Islamists that you rub shoulders with every day and enjoy pretending to oppose. Your dictatorship is yet another lesser of two evils, and one I would be even happier about were you truly the secular moderate that our media keeps talking about. Now I may be a simple blogger and not versed in such matters, but it seems to me that while Murbarak in Egypt fought tooth and nail against allowing the Muslim Brotherhood anywhere near elections, your post-Sept 11 reaction to a similar situation in Pak was very much the opposite. Hey, the White House can't argue with democracy, right ? Well done. Instant bad cop ! And there were all those unsophisticated idealistic types thinking that secular moderate dictators do things like repeal Sharia law, and try to modernise their country. A great secularist and modernist, an ally in the Great War on Terror, you joined in the standing ovation offered to Mahatir Mohammad in his speech that set the tone of the New Anti-Semitism, but all too passe nowadays. And you are still Ally Number One. True genius.
And speaking of those nukes. Iran's (hopefully) as-yet-non-existent nukes are scaring the pants out of even the Euroweenies, but noone seems too worried about the country who made it all possible, and has developed warheads and delivery capability.
And what a country ! The country that was the Taliban's main supporter, and now the hideout of choice of Al Qaeda's top brass. The country that reluctantly pursues "terrorists" in the West while letting them train and mount attacks in the East. The country that is still a Waqf, regardless of the secular state that Jinnah had in mind. How the heck did you pull all that off ?
How many inept, halfhearted attacks did you have to mount against terrorists living happily in your Tribal Areas ? Not many, but enough to justify keeping US troops out so they could not do the job ?
You are a very clever man, and I refuse to believe those lies about you. I refuse to believe that you are politically outmaneuvered by Islamists in government. You allowed them to be elected in the first place. I refuse to believe that your military intelligence service the ISI may be riddled with Islamists but I wonder how you could stay in power without them. Coups like yours are usually accompanied with purges. So perhaps the ISI's allegiances are not such a problem for you after all, but you get to blame them when things go bad. I refuse to believe that you of all people would not know where Bin Laden is. I refuse to believe that you would not be a competent man in charge, with trusted, competent people working for you. People who could be counted on to stage the odd fake assassination too...
But this is not why I write you you today.
Unfair...
It has come to my attention that you have provided a number of blogs some undeserving publicity. Those blogs had the distinction of being the main targets of attack by Islamist hackers. It would appear that hackers are not just malicious angry nutcases, they do useful things like pass their hate lists on to sympathetic governments.
Mr Musharraf, I work a day job, do an unmanageable amount of volunteer work and thanklessly maintain this blog, whose readership consists of a very small number of like minded nutcases, an Australian government Department concerned with free speech (they think there should be less of it), and the occasional Islamist doing a google search on "blogs by people I should be beheading". I work hard Mr Musharraf, and my work is largely thankless, with no help from you.
Admittedly, these blogs are better written, researched and visited than mine. In fact, my blog is probably going to be the subject of upcoming BBC lifestyle series "What Not to Write", hosted by a pair of well dressed post-menopausal bitches with caffeine addictions and a flair for humiliating people. But this is hardly the point. Or maybe, this it is the point. Yes, these 12 blogs that you have so kindly provided free publicity to may well deserve the attention that mine lacks. This is why, Mr Musharraf, I am begging, indeed, imploring you for a break. Please, oh pretty please with 77 Virgins on Top (see, I'm open minded), please
PLEASE BAN MY BLOG !
If you cannot see your way clear to doing this, could you please ask someone in your Ministry of Telling People What to Think to explain to me what else I would need to do to qualify. Its not like I haven't already done plenty.
Do I need to insult the Prophet ?
Hey, Mohammad is, like, and old dead guy who liked little girls! (And a few other things to boot...)
Do I need to call for a new cartoon competition ?
I hereby call upon both of my regular readers as well as any Government Departments and Islamoloonies visiting Six Days to send me some challenging pictures of Mohammad celebrating the Kama Sutra and the variety of farm animals that may have been found in Medina in 600 AD.
Hey, if you don't ban me, can I at least please get a fatwa ? My friends would be so, like, jealous.
Just Good Friends
Failing all of this, I ask you, Mr Musharraf to at least visit Six Days now and then. I look forward to your visit and your comments, and would be more than happy to put your blog up on my blogroll as well. As we get to know each other email addresses may be exchanged too. Finally, as I get to know you, I may even welcome you to join me over a couple of Carlsbergs in the local pub. Incidentally, that is where it stops, much as I may admire your power, your political genius, your interest in blogging and your well sculpted moustache. Given the reputed tastes of your good friends the Pashtuns, and the previously mentioned tell-tale moustache, I must emphasise that I would not actually share any of your other possible tastes, common as they are in Dar-al-Islam. For this, I blame the West's ready availability of unmarried, uncovered women, lessons about "stranger danger" delivered to us as children and a relative absence of farm animals. Sorry, but I have been corrupted away from what what you would probably call nature and towards decadent Western heterosexuality. I blame pornography, loose morals, secularism, the human rights of women, and the human rights of horny teenage me. I also blame a succession of Catholic girls, but that is an entirely different if delightful story (What is it with them and Jewish men?). But, as I said, we can still be good friends. If I misunderstood you then apologies, but you cannot be too careful when dealing with someone called PERVEz...
Otherwise, if you still find yourself in the market for neocon studmuffin, you may want to look up this guy.
Thanks and Goodbye
So thanks for taking the time to read this. I look forward to seeing your new blog too. Please forgive the brevity of this rant. I gotta go now and do more stuff to stop you and your ilk from destroying all that we in Dar-al-Harb hold dear.
Kufr Aleikum,
Ben Ze'ev
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