Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Swami SixDays Reads The Future

Everyone is making predictions for the New Year and they are all wrong. Here is what will happen in 2006:

1. Iran's Mahmud Ahmedihejad deposed for his ambigous, concilliatory position towards the Zionist entity. Following the Guardian Council's exclusion of the entire population of Iran, no presidential candidates remain. Finally, a Shaboom-Shaboom 3000 nuclear missile is elected President of the Islamic Republic of Iran. The first order of business, a Presidential visit to Paris is averted by swift diplomatic action by Dominique de Villepin. Dominique de Villepin and Shaboom-Shaboom 3000 marry. This is all Bush's fault.

2. Cindy Sheehan converts to Islam. She carries on exactly as before.

3. Stephen Spielberg makes a movie about a Mossad operation to liquidate a Western peace activist in Gaza. The inner turmoil of an anguished Catepillar bulldozer wins an Oscar for Best Piece of Heavy Machinery.

4. The Iraqi constitution has a "fuck the USA, fuck the Jews" clause, and the new governement votes to take orders from Shaboom-Shaboom 3000 in Iran. Parliamentary debate in parliament consists of arguments regarding whether the USA and Jews should be fucked in a Shiite or Sunni manner. Women are oppressed every tuesday. Goats can vote, women cannot.The White House hails this as a major success. US troops have to ask nicely before they are allowed to fire at anyone. For a change, this actually IS Bush's fault.

5. No evidence of interplanetary life discovered. This is clearly Bush's fault, though opinion is divided between "The Aliens Won't Visit While Bush is Around", "Bush lied Aliens decided not to visit" and "Bush Conducts Intergalactic Massacre".

6. Hamas and Sharon negotiate new Gaza buffer zone. After negotiations Sharon fixes the new buffer zone at the Suez Canal. Much fun with Fuel Air Explosives ensues in the Parking Lot Formerly Known as Gaza, which then falls blissfully silent.

7. Afghanistan switches off strategically vital Goat Pipe to Russia, leading to massive goat crisis. Russian Goat Minister runs away to Israel, tried in absentia. Ukraine lends Afghanistan collection of "Girls gone Wild" videos in exchange for the favour.

8. Manny converts to Neo-Groovism thanks to his heathen new ipod. His blogging remains just as earnest.

9. The MSM continues to ignore the blogsphere.
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